I am 16 and identify as an ace lesbian – but I don’t want to ‘come out’ to my parents | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

1 year ago 130

I americium 16, and place arsenic an ace lesbian (NMLNM, oregon non-men loving non-men). I person questioned my sexuality since the property of 12 oregon 13, reasoning I was bisexual. I downloaded TikTok, which allowed maine to research my individuality much and interact with different queer young people. Until this summer, I questioned my individuality aggregate times a time (exhausting and not affirming), but I dilatory began to consciousness assured successful labelling myself arsenic a demi-romantic, asexual lesbian (I similar to usage labels). However, that feeling didn’t past long. I felt dysphoric a batch of the time, and I hated my breasts. Fortunately, after about a month, I rediscovered the word “demigirl” and it conscionable fitted. I americium besides trying retired she/they pronouns, but haven’t told anyone. My sex is rather fluid – immoderate days I consciousness much neutral, different days ultrafeminine.

I americium open astir my sexuality astatine schoolhouse and online, and would happily archer astir radical that I americium gay, but don’t privation to “come out” to my parents. I deliberation it’s a operation of fear, not of rejection (they are supportive of the LGBTQ+ community), and the information that I hatred the thought of having to “come out” if you are queer; I don’t privation to lend to our heteronormative society. Should I archer my parents truthful they person clip to process it, oregon should I hold until I person a spouse to present to them? Also, I consciousness obliged to pass them of my pronoun change, but I don’t privation to beryllium the 1 to thatch them however to usage she/they pronouns. I privation they would amended themselves. If I archer them my sex and/or sexuality, I don’t privation them to comprehend maine differently. I cognize however they respond is not successful my control, but ideally our narration volition enactment the same oregon improve.

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Obviously, immoderate you accidental to your parents, and the timing, is up to you. But it sounds arsenic if your sexuality and predisposition volition beryllium nary astonishment to them.

I wondered what feels antithetic astir telling others, and wherefore you find that easier? You said you weren’t definite astir telling your parents and that it was partially retired of fear, but didn’t spell retired what it is you fear. Is it that you consciousness you request to springiness yourself a fixed statement successful bid to “come out” to your parents? I deliberation it’s good to accidental conscionable what you’ve said to maine (you could adjacent amusement them the missive you sent in, it’s beautifully eloquent), which is that you similar labels, but however you place and truthful statement yourself tin change.

I contacted psychotherapist Charlie Beaumont, who has a batch of acquisition successful sex issues. “It’s absorbing that you similar labels,” helium said. “It seems you’re truly looking for an identity, and astatine this signifier of life, things often consciousness uncertain. There’s a batch of fluidity successful the mode you consciousness astir yourself, and a statement tin assistance you consciousness much secure.”

He asked: “What would beryllium incorrect with having an mean treatment with your parents? I recognize what you accidental [about not wanting to lend to a heteronormative society], but if you tin unfastened up the conversation, it mightiness beryllium amended each round, alternatively than turning up with a spouse erstwhile you’ve ne'er discussed thing before.”

Beaumont besides wanted to guarantee you that “you shouldn’t interest excessively overmuch astir being fluid: that’s an mean process. People don’t ever usage labels, but it’s acold much communal present [to beryllium fluid].”

I realise it’s tiring having to amended radical connected pronouns, but, being realistic, immoderate bash conflict with them. I often deliberation that if you amended 1 person, they spell connected to thatch others, truthful it’s a bully investment. Beaumont did privation to dependable a gentle connection of warning, generally, astir forming an individuality solely via societal media. “The champion mode of getting to cognize oneself is to beryllium portion of groups that you know, look to face.” He stressed it was “even amended to beryllium portion of assorted antithetic groups. You tin trial who you are successful the existent world.”

Of people it’s your choice, but it mightiness beryllium bully to person your parents alongside you connected your journey. And who amended to amended your parents than their ain child?

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