What I’m really thinking: the secret smoker

4 years ago 98

If anyone ever offers maine a cigarette, I ever reply: “No thanks, I don’t smoke.” But I’m lying.

I started smoking astatine 16. I thought it made maine look grown-up, but I was shy truthful I’d bash it connected my own. I would spell into the woods adjacent my home, oregon occasionally “bravely” person 1 successful the location if cipher was other in.

Even erstwhile I went distant to university, I kept my smoking secret. Now I’m successful my 30s. If I was ever going to travel out, I should person done it erstwhile I was younger, alternatively of appearing to beryllium idiosyncratic who started smoking for the archetypal clip astatine an property erstwhile astir radical are trying to springiness up.

I privation I could spell extracurricular with the public smokers astatine enactment oregon successful the pub. I’m jealous. I deliberation they’re cool, and honest. But it conscionable doesn’t acceptable with however I spot myself, and I interest I’d fume excessively much. Instead, I hold until I’m alone, instrumentality retired my packet (I keep it hidden successful my car with mouthwash and mints) and person a crafty 2 oregon three.

There person been a fewer adjacent calls, though. I erstwhile near the pub aboriginal and had conscionable lit up erstwhile a friend came astir the corner. Luckily, it was acheronian and helium walked consecutive past me. Another time, my lighter fell retired of my pouch – I said I’d picked it up from a array astatine a cafe. And I was mortified erstwhile a store adjunct erstwhile asked if I’d travel successful for my cigarettes; I present effort to bargain each battalion from a antithetic place.

It’s stupid, I know, but it could beryllium worse. I’m not harming anyone but myself and it’s legal; I could beryllium a concealed heroin addict. Plus I’d undoubtedly fume much if I did it successful public. I volition halt soon. But of course, nary 1 volition ever know.